


(and I'll never run out)

by Metronomeblue



Series: Gold Turns to Dust [4]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Anal Sex, Asuka tops Shinji and he thanks her for it, Creampie, Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, Friends With Benefits, LITERALLY, Light Dom/sub, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Multiple Orgasms, No emotional or romantic infidelity occurred, Oral Sex, Past Infidelity, Pegging, Platonic Sex, Strap-Ons, Vaginal Sex, a Fic I Never Thought I'd Write, anyway, goddd I hate that tag, just some sex in order to keep themselves alive and sane, kind of?? Shinji and Rose had an arrangement given that they have Actual Problems, wild, wildly that does in fact apply to something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-05-10 09:45:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14734617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metronomeblue/pseuds/Metronomeblue
Summary: as per a post from my... less palatable blog, Shinji goes into a mating cycle every year and hates it.Once he's back in Soul Society, he has a few things to confess to Asuka.(set at some unspecified point after all of GTTD, pre-TYBW)





	1. I have held in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Listen... This was going to be short...

It came around every May, like clockwork, and Shinji hated it with a passion. He’d wake up one day, heat buzzing under his skin, burning like every nerve was alive and angry with him. He’d feel the wet slick of sweat covering his body, the wet, sticky heaviness of his sheets crumpled up between his legs. He’d wake humming for sex, burning for closeness. His whole body always ached, just on the edge of sore. Like he’d run too far or worked too hard, but closer to pleasure than pain. Everything smelled stronger, every minute nuance made clear to him. Mashiro hopping around downstairs, the hint of char that meant Kensei had tried to make toast. Detergent in his sheets, his own come, sharp and overwhelming, the dust on the bookshelf, the scent of flowers three miles away that the wind had caught and brought to him. He tried, year after year, to force his body to cool down, to calm, to stop doing this to him.

He failed, naturally.

This time was different. He could feel the same full-body ache, the same sparking, burning under his skin. The wind carried the smell of grass, the mingling scents of everyone within six miles. He could feel the wet, thick heat between his thighs, could all but taste the pheromones in the air. But there was a body warm beside him, a flush of jasmine and familiar breathing, and for the first time in a century, Shinji sighed in relief.

“Asuka,” he murmured, and she shifted a little before rolling over to face him.

“Hmm?” Her eyes were soft, half-open and tired, and he wanted- he cleared his throat and tried again.

“There’s something I haven’t told you,” he said quietly. Seriously, and she blinked the sleep away to meet him on even ground.

“Something big?” She looked serious now, too, and it pricked at him a little that he was responsible for that loss of contentment. He sat up, cringing at the wet spot on the sheets. She turned to look, and the furrow between her eyebrows was more worry than suspicion. Shinji bit his lip, brushed hair from his face, tried to ignore the wet fabric rubbing on his cock.

“I’d say about average, honestly,” he admitted. “It’s uh. Inconvenient, to say the least. Annoying at best.”

“At worst?” She sighed, reaching up to pull a lock of hair from the wrong side of his head. He gave her a small smile, doing his best to ignore the persistent buzzing, the heat, the urge to pull that robe from her shoulders and bite at her collarbones, to just touch her, to let her get her hands on him, push him down-

“It’s a damn menace,” he admitted, and she snorted. “Listen, sweetheart, it ain’t serious really, but it’s not going to be fun for me and it probably wouldn’t be much fun for you, so you might have to step out for a few days.”

“Why would I do that?” She nodded at the wet sheets and looked at him sideways. “Because you’ve yet to give me any real explanation.” Shinji made a noise like a dying cat and scratched his ear.

“It’s embarrassing, is all,” he groaned, falling back onto the pillows. Asuka bit back a smile.

“Tell me,” she said, flopping down to look him in the eye. “Come on.”

“I uh. The whole hollow thing,” he cleared his throat, rolling over. He looked up at the ceiling, the wall, anywhere but at her. “It’s a cat or something. The hollow in my head. Affected my body and everything. So every year, around May, I get all… Needy.”

“You’re always needy,” Asuka said slyly. He laughed at that, for a minute, before he shook his head.

“Yeah, but this is- it’s different. It doesn’t stop- I don’t stop, not until the hollow’s done. I’d lock you in here and never let go.” He swallowed, finally looked over at her. “You should go now, before I really start losing it.” His skin was still prickling, and the flush of heat still filled his face, but Asuka looked at him calmly, fondly, reaching over to cup his face in one hand. He tried to pull back, to keep some distance, but her skin was so cool on his own, sweet relief on his fevered cheeks, and he couldn’t help but lean into her palm.

“What are you going to do, maul me?” Asuka raised an eyebrow. “I’ve done worse to you.”

“Days, Asuka. I’m going to keep at it for days. Short breaks, no way out, just-” his breath caught in his chest, the heat abating, just a touch, as her mouth met his, her other hand wrapped around his cock. Doors, his mind sang. Lock the doors. She tightened her grip, and he couldn’t help but buck up into her palm, her fingers like a soft, warm vice, hissing like a cat, half a moan slipping from his lips and breaking his mouth from hers. “You want to do this?” He gasped, and her fist sliding up his shaft, then down again, her lips on his jaw were all the answer he needed. He grasped her wrist, pulled her hand from his pants, and gave her a look, half-relief, half-desire. She smiled, and he stood unsteadily, dazed with arousal, cock throbbing in protest at the loss of her touch. “Then I have to- I have to lock it down. Have to keep you safe. Have to keep them out.”

“Keep who out?” Asuka asked, moving towards the edge of the bed as if to follow him.

“Everyone else.” Shinji’s voice was lower, rougher, a little frantic. “I can’t- we have to be safe before it really starts, I have to make sure nobody else will-”

“Okay.” Asuka nodded, shifting to face him. “While you do that, I’ll get what we need. Some water first?” She asked, slipping over the edge of the bed, taking the first few steps before he swept over, strangely quiet, hands padding at her, pressing his face into the crook of her neck as she waited. “Maybe some food?” He nodded, and she began to understand what he meant when he said the hollow was like a cat. Rubbing the edge of his cheekbone over the corner of her jaw, the side of her neck, Shinji’s self-control lost somewhere in his hands, wrapped gently around her wrists.

“Yeah,” he muttered, “Gotta get you what you need. Lock all the windows and doors. You take care of yourself and I’ll- I’ll do this.” Asuka reached up, and Shinji’s hair was like warm silk under her fingers. He leaned into her touch, making short sighing noises and humming a little.

“Come to the kitchen with me?” She asked, and he butted his head into her shoulder.

“Yeah,” he said, “Guess I can’t let you go alone, might not be safe.” His voice was even quieter, something like a rasp in it’s last edges. “I’ll keep you safe.” His skin was hot, like he was sick, like his body was pushing itself to burn apart.

“You’re fading fast, aren’t you?” She asked softly, and the wounded look Shinji gave her only made it easier to see the gold tint to his eyes. “Take me to the kitchen and then we can set up for a good, long time, okay?”

He led her to the kitchen by her hand, one of his own clasped around hers and the other outstretched as if to catch anyone who might spring forth to hurt them. He wouldn’t let go until they reached the kitchen, where he locked every window, double-checked the door even as she tried to assemble some kind of provisions. One hand slipped into her shirt, palm flat to her stomach, the other wrapped around her hips, pulling her into his chest, and he rubbed his face in her shoulder. He came up close behind her, cock pressed, heated and rising, to the side of her thigh, and rolled his hips, groaning lowly into her ear. “Asuka,” he muttered. “Hurry.” She did her best not to push back, but one of his knees slipped between hers, his hand brushing the curve of one breast, and for a moment she was sighing, leaning back despite herself.

“Hurry,” he sighed again, running his teeth up and down the shell of her ear. “I wanna get you back in our room.”

“You check the other rooms,” Asuka told him, biting her lip. “I’ll finish up here and we can go back up.” He groaned again, and she reached up, pressing his face just a little further into her shoulder. “Trust me,” she said. “Just for a minute, trust me and do what you have to do. Then we can go back and stay there.” He breathed in, sighed.

“I do trust you,” he murmured. “I love you.” His hands crept further to her hips, tightened like bands of iron. He was so hot, pressed flat against her. “Don’t want to leave you.”

“I can tell,” Asuka said dryly, shifting her hips just where his cock pressed, hard and hot against her ass. He snorted, and stepped back, arms slipping from her waist. She felt much colder, but brushed it away. “Your turn to hurry,” she called, not looking back at him. She tied a knot in the bag she’d been filling. “The faster you are-” there was a faint swish, like fabric moving, and a series of slams, clicks, and metallic whooshes. She laughed, and when he stumbled back in, walking awkwardly around the issue between his legs, she had to shake her head. “You could’ve just done that from the start,” she pointed out, but he cut her off with a petulant kiss.

“Are you done?” He asked, and when she nodded, he grasped the bag she handed him and swept her away. A flash of light, then shadow, then the soft copper of the morning sun in their room- the sensation of motion removed from any movement.

“In a hurry?” She asked teasingly, and he kicked the door shut behind him, shucking his thin robe, moving forward to kiss her again, fiercely.

“No more talking,” he mumbled between kisses, slipping his hands over her shoulders, under the fabric of her own yukata. “Just touch.” He smoothed his palms over her shoulders, her collarbones, her arms, soaking in the relative coolness of her skin, the feeling of touching her again. She reached up to undo her sash, letting it drop between them, cool silk on the floor. Her robe slid from her shoulders, and he made a sound halfway between a whine and a growl.

“Come on,” she said, twining their fingers. “Take me to bed.”

He did, slipping an arm around her waist and moving quickly to the bed to lay her down. He pressed her into the bed, full-length and heavy, all his strength harnessed into this, his hands bruising on her wrists, his knee tempting and solid between her thighs. Gasping, she arched up when he pressed it further, the heat of her folds more cruelly felt against the force of his touch. His teeth scraped warningly over her throat, and when she whined he bit down, leaving a red oval of teeth, skin only just broken. He lapped at it, dragging heated tongue over the wound as if to soothe it, to clean it. She swallowed, feeling her nerves pulse where his knee rested against her core, immovable, unconcerned, torturously close but not enough. His chest brushed over her own, the thin ridges of scars scraping over her skin teasingly, catching on her nipples in a way that made her hips jerk up and her chest rise to meet his.

“Shinji,” she sighed, as he pressed his nose into the dip of her collarbone, let his lips drag down the split of her breasts, “Shinji, give me what I need.” He shivered, and the order sank in. His knee slipped back, and the heat of his body spread differently over hers. Shinji nodded slowly, nipping at the soft rise of flesh beside her nipple, shifting so his cock slid wetly along the crease of her thighs, the line where she’d brought them together.

“Please,” he begged, and his hands clenched in the sheets on either side of her. His face contorted with each shallow thrust. “Asuka, please-” She drew one leg up, knee almost as high as his shoulder. She opened for him, spread just enough to let him in, and he sank into her with soft cry. She sank back, half-sitting against the pillows, and let him move forward enough that she could take hold of him. His muscles softened, relaxed a little, submissive under her hand, sliding up the back of his neck.

“Fuck me,” she sighed, ordered him, one hand knotted in the back of his hair, tugging his head back, forcing him to arch back, to drive his cock even more deeply into her. She huffed, the force of it making her smile. The sting of his hips smashing into hers lingered, sweet and familiar. He did the same, again and again, making short, needy little whines as her fingers dug into his scalp. “That’s it,” she nodded, pulling his face down to hers, her other hand coming up to cup his jaw as he panted into the space between their mouths. “That’s it, dearest.” He drove into her again, each thrust shuddering up his spine, tangling his nerves, singing like satisfaction down to the depths of his soul. The hollow curled, languorous, pleased, in the darkness of his mind. _This_ , he thought, _this is what he’d needed_. For a hundred years, for a hundred summers, he’d wanted this. The thought burned in him, and he pushed forward just enough to kiss her, soft with gratitude and relief. “Good?” Asuka asked as he pulled away, and he nodded into her shoulder, nose pressed into the soft hollow between bones. His hips moved sharply, deeply, and she bucked forward, meeting him halfway, letting the quick jar of his bones light sparks of pain in hers.

“Asuka-” he panted, and she hushed him, smiling. She tugged him, pulling his head enough that they were face-to-face.

“Harder,” she told him, rolling her hips against his just so, catching the force on her clit. “Mm, you know you want to.” Asuka’s eyes fluttered open, and Shinji had to bite his lip not to curse. “Let it all out.” He hesitated for all of a moment, air chilled on his wet cock, poised to push himself back in. She hummed, then pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, all softness and love, and he let go. He pushed into her quickly, spearing her with the intensity of it.  He let his face fall into the curve of her shoulder, hidden in her neck, drowning a moan in her hair. “You said you got needy,” she laughed, and he let his next thrust carry all the force he’d been holding back. Her laugh cut off, choked by a moan, and he smiled into her shoulder. Her grip on his hair tightened, nails digging in just enough to pull a groan from him, too. “Oh, that’s good,” she sighed, and he let the tremor fill her. “Oh, Shinji,” he could hardly hear her over the force of his heartbeat, loud and furious in his ears. Thunder and blood.

“Asuka,” he muttered, lips moving halfheartedly on her skin. “Need you,” her hand slipped from his hair to his neck, his back, her touch another buzz under his skin, more pleasant than the lust, cooler and softer. 

“You have me,” she said. He thrust into her again, shallow, quick, and she could feel him start to shake. “There we go,” Asuka sighed, holding him close, pressing his chest to her own. “Come for me,” she ordered him, and with a short gasp, and another deep thrust, he did. He shook through it, panting, all liquid muscles and teeth buried in the flesh of her shoulder. The trickle of liquid from her slit was the only difference from before. He felt no cooler under her hands, no less hard, his cock still burning and throbbing inside of her.

“I’m not- I’m sorry,” he said, gritting his teeth and lifting himself away from her. “I’m not done-”

“Good,” Asuka said, giving him a small, wicked smile. “Because neither am I.” She sat up, and Shinji leaned back to let her, both of them wincing a little as his cock slipped from her. The wetness spread over her thighs, his, was uncomfortable, sensitive. She moved to her knees, rising to kiss him, and the slow, soft movement of his lips on hers was a warmth in her chest. “Give me a minute,” she told him, pressing a finger to his lips. “I won’t be any time at all.” She slipped from bed, and disappeared into the next room- the only unlocked door, and he was certain of that- leaving him alone and still buzzing with need.

His cock was flushed at the tip, a dark pink at odds with the rest of his skin, pale even in its blush, and his hand went to it. Stroking, gliding his thumb over the tip, spreading his come up and down the shaft, trying, in vain, to calm the ache. He fell back, let his bent knees spread, let his hips jerk and twitch as they would, praying that he could lessen the itch. He had no idea how long he lay there, furiously fisting his own cock and twisting with heat and agony, before he finally came again, spilling white over his own stomach, dappling his chest. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t care at all, except that it didn’t help much, his cock still burning, painful and yearning for something he couldn’t give, his hands wet with her slick and his own spend, faint, dry sobs pushing themselves from his mouth.

“Oh, Shinji,” Asuka’s voice was close, though he hadn’t heard her come back. A hand combed hair from his face and he leaned into it blindly, everything hazy and painful. Every nerve screamed for more while he wanted nothing more than to stop. The bed dipped under her weight, and she leaned down to kiss him, every touch gentle. “Shinji, Shinji, darling, don’t,” she said sadly, catching his hand before it could reach between his legs. “Don’t. I’ll take care of you. You don’t move, alright?” He nodded slowly, chasing her lips when she pulled back. “Oh, dearest, you needn’t worry. I’ll take care of you,” she said again, and she dragged two fingers down his chest, collecting his come on her hand. “And you’re already in the perfect position,” she said, her other hand resting on his knee. “So good,” she murmured, rubbing her thumb on his knee. “So good for me.” The fingers on her other hand,  wet and warm, made their way down to his entrance, rubbing gently at the furled, puckered hole. “Open up for me, hm? I’ll help,” she told him, kissing his calf as she lifted it over her shoulder. He shivered, twisted his hips as she pressed one fingertip in, pausing to let him relax again, every inch of him oversensitized and burning. “There we go,” she said, pressing in further as he groaned. “That’s it, dearest.” She pulled back, swept her fingers back over his chest, and the warmth of his own come slicking him up kept him keening for it.

“Asuka,” he hissed, as her second finger began to press in beside the first, the scent of salt and sex overwhelming. He shifted, bucked into her hand. “Please, please, oh, please-”

“You don’t have to beg,” she told him gently, but he could hear the smile in her voice, even through the hum of heat, and he couldn’t help but return it. She slicked her hand with more of his seed, and he groaned.

“I do,” he gasped, as she thrust into him, pulled both fingers out, his muscles straining to hold them in, to hold her back. “I do, please- Asuka, please!” His voice rose as she scissored her fingers inside of him, stretching, pulling. His moans and whines were louder, his hands curled so deeply in the sheets that she worried he might rip them. Well. Hoped. She smiled at him, and the added stretch of a third finger was complemented by her mouth closing around the tip of his cock. “Asuka!” he groaned, and she curled her three fingers, let the wetness coat his entrance as she spread them, lapped gladly at the still-leaking slit soft at the head of him. With a low whine, a shuddering caught in his chest, she pulled back, sank all four fingers in deep, crooked them just right to hit his prostate, and he bucked up into her mouth in a way that made her pull back, licking her lips. 

“Manners,” she reminded him teasingly, and he could do no more than cry out as she swallowed him down, pressed with all four fingers on that soft, sensitive place until he couldn’t hold back any more and spilled down her throat. She swallowed, over and over again, drinking in what he’d given her, and he writhed under her touch.

“Please,” he chanted mindlessly, lost in her. “Please, please, please, oh, Asuka, please-” He pushed back on her fingers, still hungry, still needy, lit up with the waning burn of his heat, the softness of her lips sliding over his shaft, still ready, still achingly hard.

“Want me in you?” She asked gently, wiggling her fingers a little.

“Yes,” he gasped, reaching up for her. “Oh, fuck, yes, please.” She laughed, kissing him sweetly, bending to his touch. “Fill me,” he begged, letting their noses brush. “Please, Asuka, fuck me.”

“You ask so nicely,” she hummed, still smiling. The bed shifted as she moved, slipping off of the bed. She hummed as she walked away, and the sound of metal clinking, her adjusting straps so she could step in. It was familiar, fondly remembered, but this time there was an edge, an anticipation that hadn’t been there before. He turned his head, blinking and his breath caught in his chest to see her so at ease. The straps were black leather, soft, a little worn, and seeing her adjust them made his heart rise in his chest, all the nerves in his body sing in anticipation. She walked over, and to see the cock bobbing between her legs was like a flash of old, familiar pleasure. 

“Oh, darling,” he sighed, watching her climb back onto the bed. “You really are too good for me.”

“Lies,” she said simply, smiling down at him. “Now,” she began, “I’m going to need this.” She was gleeful, swiping her whole hand through the cold come on his chest, and he let out an uncomfortable noise as the air hit his wet skin beneath it. She slicked it up and down the shaft of the strap-on, so much that it dripped from her hand, from the toy, looking almost like real pre from where Shinji was lying, and he could feel his muscles tighten in anticipation. “Ready?” Asuka asked, sitting back on her knees, stroking a hand over the stiff, slowly-warming apparatus between her legs.

“Fuck, yes, do it.” Shinji raised a limp hand and Asuka slipped under it, letting his arm curl around her neck as she settled over him, doing her best to align herself between his thighs. WIth one hand braced beside his head and the other pressing more slick fluid into him, she lined up the cock with his hole.

“So eager,” she laughed, easing her hips forward into him. “You really are needy.”

“For you?” He joked faintly. “Always.” Any coherency he’d gathered was lost on her next slow thrust, and she kissed him to cover the sounds, biting at his lip every time he moaned.

“There we go,” she said, rolling her hips, pressing in more deeply, letting the base of the strap-on press up against her folds, letting it grow slick and wet with her own arousal, letting it rub, resistant and cold, against her clit. “Oh, that’s good.” He nodded, his arm tight over her neck, her shoulder.

“More,” he pleaded. “Asuka, oh, hell, please more.”

“Is that what you need?” She asked, sliding in and out of him, smooth and measured, every thrust ending with a roll of her hips, a slow grind that pushed both of them further. His cock drooled, caught between them, leaking more and more over his stomach, and on one long thrust she reached between them to stroke it. Just twice, tightly, hard like he liked it, but it was enough to make him cry, gasping, sobbing. She slammed into him, hard and deeply, bucking her hips to press her own nerves, to get that sting she needed. Shinji writhed, face wet with sweat and a tear or two.

“Asuka-” he hissed. “Asuka, please.”

“What do you want?” She asked, her own voice rough with arousal and heat. “Come on, darling, tell me, tell me-”

“More,” he moaned. “So close, I’m so- Please.” She fucked into him again, faster, harder, and the force with which the base slammed against her made her shake. The burn, the slick, resisting smack of thin, fragile flesh on hard gel, the heat of his cock, wet against her stomach, her chest- she could feel the heat building in her stomach. She drove into that soft spot in him, the place that made him tremble and gasp, and when Shinji finally came, chest jerking with half-breaths and the heat of his spend, she let herself fuck him through it, every thrust building her own pleasure until she came, too, jerking and moaning into his chest. She sat there over him, caught between his thighs, her arms shaking under her weight. The strap-on still inside of him, her nerves throbbing, clit burning, pulsing with aftershocks, fire in her blood and ice in her lungs. She pulled out of him, heavy with effort, and his groan faded into a low huff at the look on her face.

“C’mere,” Shinji sighed, reaching up both arms, weakly, to bring her down. She let herself fall, resting on his chest, and he pulled her up so they were face-to-face. He kissed her, one hand stroking her hair and the other reaching down to unstrap her. “Thank you sweetheart,” he said, and she shifted to help him pull the straps down. She kicked the harness off and let it rest at the end of the bed. “Thank you,” he repeated, and the flash of lucidity held. “Asuka, you’re really. You’re amazing.”

“Thanks,” she said wryly, tiredly. “You’re not bad, yourself, heartbreaker.”

“I know that,” he scoffed, kissing her cheek. “I’m a real catch.”

“Keep telling yourself, that,” she hummed. “So is it over?”

“I’m not- it’s not over yet,” he told her,awkward and shame-faced, and she nodded in understanding. “It’s… just beaten down for now.” She rolled over, flopped down next to him, on her side so she could face him.

“How’d you do it before?” She asked, twirling a strand of his hair around her finger. He looked away. “You couldn’t have locked yourself away every time. Just doing it all yourself would have driven you mad.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “It would have.” He turned, then, to look at her, mouth small and discontented. “I- there’s something I need to tell you.”

“You slept with other people?” Asuka asked quietly, calmly. As if something she already knew had been confirmed.

“No- not. Not exactly,” Shinji said. He reached out to push her own hair from her face. “It wasn’t- I didn’t go out looking for anyone. I never wanted anyone but you.” he shook his head, looking more than a little sick. “I’d never have- if it weren’t for this, I’d never have been with anyone else.” She waited him out, face open and body curled up like a child. She wasn’t upset, exactly, but she was quiet. He reached for her again, and though she didn’t move away, she didn’t lean into his touch as she had before. “It was never like that,” he told her softly. “We both knew it was convenience, nothing more.”

“But there was someone else, then?” She asked, and there was resignation in her eyes.

“No,” he said, louder than he meant. “No, Rose and I were never- we each needed something,” he told her, and the understanding that sparked in her face was a relief. “I could help him, he could help me. We weren’t- we’re friends. That’s all.”

“You didn’t tell me, though,” she said, biting her lip. “You didn’t- before, when I asked. I knew there had to have been someone, after a hundred years-”

“No, sweetheart,” he sighed, pressing his forehead to hers. “There wasn’t anyone. Just Rose and I jerkin’ each other off as a public service.”

“How public?” Asuka asked, and hearing the humor back in her voice was more than music to his ears.

“Not like that,” he rolled his eyes. “You’re worse than Lisa.”

“I’m sure she’d challenge that,” she snorted, wriggling up so she was right beside him.

“Probably,” Shinji grumbled. “Menace.”

“I love you,” she murmured into his chest, laughter fading. He stroked a hand through her hair, smiling.

“Love you, too,” he said quietly. She pressed closer, the heat of him still blazing compared to the breeze filling the room.

“I’m going to fuck you again at some point,” she said, half-asleep. “You know. Once you’re all empty and sad again.”

“I look forward to it,” he replied, grinning. He let sleep pull him away not long after. He’d resist, usually, ever-fearful of an attack, a surprise, a disaster. But the doors were locked. The windows were latched. He had her in his arms. The heat had lessened, for now. There wasn’t anything to keep him awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of imagine it went the opposite of Kensei approaching Rose.  
> Shinji, coming up to Rose: I need you to fuck me  
> Rose:... can I-  
> Shinji: yes. I don't care. Kink me up. Just fuck me.
> 
> Platonic sex as in "we're friends but we've fucked like ten times due to visored-related sex issues" but they weren't looking for anything beyond that, and Shinji was still like. disgustingly dedicated to Asuka. Probably said her name instead of Rose's. Rose did a lot of eye-rolling. A lot.


	2. just wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't leave anything alone I'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this still isn't as in-depth as I'd like because there's.... a lot. But it's a little more resolution and a little more discussion of what happened 84 years prior to the main storyline lol

The heat of it all faded out after a few days. He was right, in the end. They could beat down the hollow’s need in short spells of movement, could fuck and weep and gasp into each other just enough to let themselves rest, but it still took days. Shinji could feel when it left, like a haze had lifted, and he pressed his face into the too-hot expanse of her ribs, murmuring _thank you thank you thank you I’m sorry_. After that, he slept. 

Asuka didn’t. She wanted to, sore and tired and so overstimulated she didn’t want to think about sex for another two weeks. But she couldn’t stop thinking about it. About Rose, who had looked at her so strangely the first time they’d met, all admiration and guilt. About Shinji, whose definitions were always much too complicated for a simple answer. About how they’d both lied to her for so long. She’d seen them together, as friends, as coworkers, allies on the field of battle. It was all too easy to see the trust between them. The closeness, the knowledge of each other. It twisted something deep in her stomach to think of them together, though whether that was in sadness or softness, she couldn’t say. Shinji had mentioned it in passing before, that whatever drove Rose to seek company was an obligation of a sort, some fierceness he couldn’t help, the same way Shinji couldn’t help falling into this daze of feeling. Part of her was glad. Part of her was deeply grateful they had had each other to keep sane, to be compatriots in a war they could never win. Part of her was viciously hurt. She knew too much to be angry, knew too well just how much they hated what the hollows had done to them, but she still had it in her to be hurt.

That didn’t make it better.

It wasn’t as though her world had shifted, after all. There was no catatonic fallout, no life-changing fight. She almost felt as though there should have been, but he was so quiet about it she couldn’t bring herself to fake fury. He knew what it was he’d done, eyes open and heart reluctant. He admitted it with loathing and tight resentment of everything involved, voice soft with apology. It was necessity. That was all there was. He hadn’t done it again- had, in fact, sought out her help instead. He’d told her a thousand times how much he loved her, how there wasn’t anyone else. She believed him. She wanted to believe him, the way she always had. A part of her hated him for hiding it, for making it all so much worse, so much more complicated, but more of her knew that he had done it to spare her, in his own way. No matter how much they’d both grown, there would forever be the memory of that nervous, insecure girl she used to be in his head. The girl who would have run, who would have been destroyed by it. Asuka sighed, and stood, pulling a thin robe over her shoulders and tying it loosely. 

“Asuka?” Shinji rolled over, peering blearily across the room. He reached for her loosely, and she twined her fingers with his.

“I’m going to get some water,” she said, smiling at him. Her face felt tired, too, but the smile was real. He continued to stare, concerned, for a moment, before nodding and sinking back into the mass of blankets. His fingers curled around hers, clinging, and she slipped away gently, the small frown on his face as endearing as it was worrying. She felt less tired, more honest, fonder and softer. She unlocked the windows, glad he was asleep for the small chance the hollow would balk at the loss of security. Cool air spilled in, displacing the heat of their bodies for the first time in days. It was a sweet chill, unusual for May, and though it was strong now, she knew it would melt with the sun’s rising. From here she could see out the window. She could lean out and look over the garden, the neat rows of lavender and thyme, lemon trees and mandarin groves, and she felt a rush of warmth. 

She slipped away from the window and made her way quietly to the door, stepping into the garden barefoot and cold. She left the window cracked, though. Just enough to let the breeze wash away what stifling warmth remained. It was a good feeling, grass beneath her feet, and cool stone, and soft earth. She’d missed this, all of this, even when it was hers. She’d missed the knowledge that he’d be there, half-asleep and leaning on the windowsill to watch her tend to the trees and harvest, missed knowing there’d be a harvest. She’d missed caring about it. 

They’d planted everything in the garden themselves, bit by bit over the first few years of their marriage. Early nights he’d gotten off, days off, the scant hours of the morning he was able to escape and abscond with some of the Third’s marigolds for her. As large as their house was- and it was, to her, though Shinji had once called it cozy in comparison to his family’s home- the vast, empty expanse of grounds behind it had been the true reason they’d both settled on it so easily. Forced to grow up in a house of superficial appearance and untouchable riches, the only wealth Shinji ever liked to indulge was the kind that could actually be enjoyed. It didn’t hurt that fresh fruit, candied flowers, and an herb garden helped fuel both the bakery and their own kitchen.

“Always liked playing in the gardens,” he’d admitted, when he’d first brought home a small, sickly lemon tree. “Figured maybe we could plant something and see if it grows.” 

And it had grown, between the two of them and the hundred years after. From the neat line of citrus groves along the back of the house to the long, running lines of bushes and vines and arbors, the garden swept out to the border of their property, lush and unweeded and wonderful. Even the small river- “More like a creek,” Shinji had snorted- was surrounded by water weeds and reeds. 

That was where she was going. There was a stone there, something they’d moved out of the way and then left, and it overlooked the river as if they’d done it on purpose. Like most things they’d done, they hadn’t. The grass was wet with dew, brushing her calves. It was cool, but she was still warm from the heat of the last few days, still lightly buzzing from the scent of his skin, the endless, endless sensation, the pain of nerves overworked and overtouched. She liked the cold. The stone was cool, too, but that didn’t last, warming with the heat of two bodies condensed into one.The first rays of light began to reach out from the horizon, sickly and pale, green more than gold. She didn’t know how long she sat, but the sun rose higher, the cranes began to root among the reeds, and her mind ticked onwards. She heard footsteps, felt the prickle of power, and had to force herself not to startle when someone drew up beside her.

Rose walked very quietly, as it turned out. So quietly that she almost didn’t hear him until he hit the patch of grass behind her. He could be all but silent, she knew, and the knowledge that he was letting her know he was coming didn’t settle her anger at all. She didn’t look at him, simply continued to watch the cranes as they loped, needle-footed, through the riverbed. He stood, unacknowledged, beside the stone, looking down at her silently. 

“I suppose Shinji must have told you,” he asked quietly, though it was a timid question, open-ended. She nodded, never looking back at him. He moved around the stone to stand on its other side, putting the width of it between them. “May I?” She nodded again.

“That’s what you meant,” she said, gazing out at the sunrise. “When you first met me, that’s what you meant. ‘Us,’” she repeated, and the bitterness was softer than the sadness in her voice. “You meant the two of you.” He lowered himself to sit beside her, slowly, nursing the star-shaped pain in his chest as he did. She tried not to feel a twinge of sympathy- it got easier when he opened his mouth again.

“I meant the two of us,” he agreed. “Shinji kept a great deal to himself over those hundred years, but it was always clear that he loved you. I had hoped he would be honest.”

“You hoped in vain,” Asuka said, and if her voice was just a little bit hollow, he was kind enough to pretend not to notice. He didn’t reply, letting her gather the rest of her words. She had a great deal to say, and yet none of it was what she wanted to ask him, to tell him, to scream at him. “If I hadn’t found you, would you have stayed together?”

“We were never together, my dear,” he told her, almost sounding wounded at the assertion. “There was no love lost between us, and there is even less now.”

“Why?” She shouldn’t be so blunt, probably. Shouldn’t be asking a Captain any question so rudely, especially not one who was half-hollow and powerful enough to crush every bone in her body with only his presence. But he and Shinji- he and Shinji, together- he had taken one of the few certain things in her world and snapped it in two and he had the nerve to stand next to her and act as if he cared- “Why now?” She forced the words from her mouth before she could choke them back.

“Because you found him,” Rose said, soft and irritatingly all-knowing. She wanted to break something. She wanted to hold him in her arms and thank him. “Do you think I found it difficult?” She didn’t reply, and he sighed. “I have been a mere placeholder for a century now, madame, and I do not resent ceding my place to its rightful inhabitant.”

“Rightful.” she scoffed, smiling tiredly. “Is that how it is?”

“Yes,” he agreed easily. “He didn’t tell you very much, I assume?” She shook her head, frowning and silent but looking askance at him now. “Of course not. He hates to think of it, I believe.” Rose reached up to pull a single finger through a curl of his hair, absentminded. One leg crossed over the other, and with his large frame bent forward, hunched against the cold, he seemed as human, as fragile as her. “Hates to acknowledge it.”

“Why?” She asked again, less stoically now.

“He never wanted it to happen,” Rose said simply. “You saw what he was like, didn’t you? He didn’t want to come to me. He didn’t want to go to anyone,

“It would have killed him,” Asuka said, and Rose turned his head just enough to catch the mingled sadness and frustration in her face.  


“It would have,” he agreed. “He chose to live, but I don’t think he ever truly let himself enjoy it,” Rose said, thoughtful, distant. “In the beginning at least, he used to treat it as a punishment of some sort. Penance for what we’d lost to Aizen. He thought it was his fault we were like this, and he took it upon himself to… make amends.” Rose grimaced. “In all honesty, I don’t believe I helped,” he admitted. “The needs which drive my own soul are not as soft as his, and I was… unduly indulgent of them for some time.”

“You hurt him?” She asked, voice touched with caution, with calculation. Rose nodded, fingers flexing out and closing back around each other. 

“He mentioned that the two of you were not… unadventurous,” Rose said, watching the cranes with her, putting distance between them with the fading warmth in his voice. “And my own demons were hungry,” he admitted softly. “They always are. Shinji was lucky enough to have it beaten down to once a year, but I am- for me, they’re always there. Clawing at the bars. Shinji needed help, and I was greedy. I was hungry. I offered, in return for his help with my problems.”

“And he said yes?” She asked, as drawn into the painful, desperate portrait as he was. Part of her didn’t want detail. Panted to be angry and sharp and cold, but the rest of her just wanted to know. 

“No,” Rose said, smiling fondly, almost wistfully. “No, he held out for a few days. Four, I think, before he knocked on my door. He was crying, poor thing, shaking out of his skin and jumping to turn the lock. He had the presence of mind to pretend, you know? To act as though he wanted it. Even with a fever, shaking and overheated with the hollow’s empty need… he wanted to keep up that wall.” And then finally, easily, he looked up and met her eye. “He didn’t make a sound, the first time. I had to fight him for it, had to beg him to just say whatever it was he was keeping inside.”

“And what was that?” Asuka asked, little more than a resigned whisper.

“Your name.” Rose smiled at her, violet eyes full of the same, sick admiration he’d had painted on his face the day they met. “You know, it was awfully painful to hear. A hundred years of listening to him cry out yours rather than mine. Damages the ego terribly, but the honesty of it soothes the soul.” Rose’s hand pressed flat to his chest, fabric caught between his fingers. “He loves you so,” he said quietly. “Not me. Not… anyone. It’s been you for as long as he’s known you.” He sighed, and the wheeze in it was awful, air caught between scar tissue and the stitches still holding his chest together. “Please understand that, if nothing else.”

“I do,” Asuka admitted. She stared heavily at the horizon, a bright, burning gold. “I know it, but it doesn’t change the last century.” She reached up, hand resting at the base of her throat. “I think of it. Him. You.” He looked to her, a terrible sympathy in his eyes. “I try not to, but all I can think about is how close you are. Even if- even if he doesn’t love you, even if he never did, you’re still…. Something to him.”

“A friend,” Rose told her, something imploring in his voice. “Perhaps less, in some ways.”

“No,” Asuka tilted her head, a sad smile on her face. “More.” She stood, crossing her arms over her chest. “And that’s a good thing.” Rose looked up, startled, almost. “I understand more, now, and I don’t…. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt me. It stings, knowing he turned to someone else, but… I don’t have a right to be angry at him for staying alive,” she said softly. “I don’t _want_ to be angry at him for it. I’ll still be hurt, I think, but I can let go of it.” She turned back, scuffing her feet. “I can live with that. It hurts more that you’ve both been lying to me.”

“He has his reasons,” Rose said, giving the river a dark look. “Flawed though they may be."

“Doesn’t he always?” Rose looked back at her, tracing the exasperated smile, the tension leaving her shoulders, the softness in her eyes. “And what about you?” She asked. “What were your reasons?”

“I am sorry-” he began, but Asuka shook her head.

“Stop being sorry,” she told him, and the gentleness in her face burned through him. “I’ve made my peace with it.” She laughed sheepishly, looking down at her feet. “I’m just teasing you now.”

“You should talk to him,” Rose said, a faint smile tugging at his face.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “I think forgiveness is in order.” Rose smiled, looking away.  


"I'm glad to hear it."

Shinji was awake, lying on his stomach listening to the birds. He felt her come in, she knew, heard her walking up the path before she even made it to the door. He didn’t move, though, didn’t even look up when she came to bed, laid down beside him.

“You didn’t just get water,” he said, in a voice softer and more hesitant than she’d heard him in years. She blinked at the ceiling, breathing slow.

“No.” Asuka didn’t move. Shinji looked at her, and she didn’t have to look at his face to see the fear lingering there. The resignation. “Did you ask Rose to come?” She asked, and he blinked slowly.

“No.” He said, brow furrowed. “Did he?” She nodded, finally turning onto her side to face him.

“He told me. About how you… how the two of you were.” Shinji tried to hold back the shame in his face, but it broke through, just enough to hurt. “I’m not angry anymore,” she admitted, and he looked away. “I was. For a little while. And then I was sad. Hurt.” She looked away. “I will be for awhile.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and though he couldn’t look her in the eye, she saw the well of regret there.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She whispered, as if it would break something to speak clearly. He opened his mouth, and she shook her head. “I know why you didn’t tell me, but why didn’t you tell me anyway?”

“I was afraid,” he admitted. “I’d only just found you again. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You really thought I’d leave?”

“You’d be right to,” he shrugged. “I was banished for a hundred years and spent almost all of them in a friend’s bed. Hollow or not, loveless or not, you’d be within your rights to be angry.”

“I’m not angry,” she said, frowning. He reached up to push a lock of hair from her eyes.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not angry. Or... I am,” Asuka said, looking at him. “I am angry, and I am hurt, and it does burn, but I don’t-” she paused, trying to piece the right words together. Asuka sighed, pressing her cheek to the pillow. “I don’t want you to suffer, Shinji,” she whispered, and he let out an exhale, choked and quick, half-pain and half-protest. “I don’t need you to make amends or swear or tell me how it happened- I just…. I need to know you don’t want to do it again.”

“I didn’t want to do it in the first place,” he said shakily, but there was a laugh twined into it, and she smiled. "Never again," he said, and he pulled her closer, hands loving and soft, pressing his forehead to hers. “I’m sorry,” he said, fingers long and spidery as they curled over her shoulder blades, her thin, shaking shoulders. “I love you,” and there was a fierceness in it, a defiance. “I told you before there’s nobody else for me, and I meant it.”

“Yeah,” Asuka said quietly, a small, almost bashful smile tucked into her face. “I know.”

“You better,” he insisted mournfully. She let her hands slip up to curl loosely at the back of his neck, and he sighed. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

“I know that, too,” she said wryly. He let his eyes close, regretful. “I’m not a foolish girl anymore,” she told him, more softly. “I wouldn’t have run. I know you better than that.”

“I should have trusted you,” he murmured, and she tried to push down the pain in her chest at the knowledge that he hadn’t.

“Don’t you?”

“More than anyone.” Shinji’s hands pressed into her back, his arms too-thin and tangled around her. “But I didn’t think- I didn’t think you’d trust me if you knew.”

“You were wrong,” she said, and he held her more tightly. He kissed her, gently, slowly.

“I usually am,” he whispered into her mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love! it's great! not cheating on your spouse! it's even better!


End file.
